Doing something for me!

Today I’m at a writers’ day in Frome, I haven’t manage to read since I had morning sickness let alone write, but we started with some wild writing and the minute or two minutes we were given to do some Wild Writing following one line given to us just wasn’t enough, I wanted to continue, I wanted to keep going with this thing called an ‘idea’ that had entered my head but before I’d even picked up speed we were on to the next thing. This is to warm up our minds and creativity but I was so slow to start I just have fragments from my mind. But, they’re from my mind! They’re new and interesting thoughts that could potentially develop into something if they could do a warm up for concentration.

Everyone’s now writing but I’m writing this, because my mind isn’t focused on an idea, but it has the benefit of not being focused on my 14 month old. Well, that’s not entirely true I’m finding myself wondering what she’s doing and if she’s okay – of course she is, she’s with her other mother! I feel a little detached doing something for myself, guilty to be finding out who I am again. I could surround myself in her, day in, day out, and I’d be satisfied but she will grow older and not need me as much and then where would I be left? Without me. I’d have to dig back 15 years to find me and I’m not sure what I’d find in 15 years’ time. So, I’m digging back 14, maybe 23, months to find me and be me and when I grow and flourish as a person with interest, I can help my daughter grow and flourish as she finds her interests.

Edit – reading back through reminds me of this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQK9Ufr4yrY Take care of YOU, first!

The theory is great…but…I should go and try to write something for myself. I found a 20,000 word story on my computer from Nanowrimo 2012, I never thought I’d got that far with something, anything! So I’m already ahead of where I think I am. I just can’t remember what I’ve done or what I wanted to do. I’ll never be able to bring to life that feeling I had when my daughter was born so writing now feels useless to me.

Emotions are unobtainable and I find them hard to express in real life why do I think I’ll be able to do it on the page.

This is getting negative…I’m off to write!

Look 413 words, I can do this! Easy! (So could you!)

 

Writing regime

This morning I got up early (yes I know it’s Sunday but I’ve never denied that little bit of crazy in me) to do a yoga workout. This is going to be part of my new regime – Saturday and Wednesday mornings get up a little earlier and just do a 20 minute yoga routine. Nothing strenuous, just moving and flowing through the poses and not worrying about what people think about me, but feeling more at one with my body. So, the observant amongst you will notice that I already failed on day 1 of my new routine because today is Sunday not Saturday. Saturday morning was not my friend!

But today I woke up, felt determined and did my twenty minutes of yoga. It made me feel extremely unfit and a little bit shit about myself. I used to be flexible and dancing full-time and now I’m a borderline cripple because of how much pain my back gives me.

However I know the rational: I haven’t done any exercise for nearly 6 months and want to feel healthy again and we recognise the feeling when we start exercising again that we feel inept whilst doing it but that we will feel good afterwards. We also know that each time we do the twenty minutes of yoga it will get a little bit easier each time. Or rather:

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/107171666107603734/

Just taking these really small steps I know will head me in the right direction and I recognise this.

 

But why can’t I think this way with my writing? Why do I expect to sit down for an hour and have a novel at the end of it? Why do I beat myself up for not writing enough? I started this blog many moons ago because, on some level, I knew that writing something, writing ANYTHING would be like these twenty-minute morning workouts. I haven’t been able to get into my writing room for a while and I need my space to write but I need to get back in the habit. One of my favourite times of year is NaNoWriMo, not because I’m writing anything profound or more exciting than usual, my writing is usually much worse quality, but I’m doing it for half an hour to an hour each day. This is sacred time and will work towards a greater whole. I just lack the discipline, energy and time to make this a daily part of my life.

This blog can be seen as procrastination, or as a warm-up. I don’t want to include negativity, there is already too much in me, so thanks for reading my warm-up and I hope to share a more complete part of me one day.

I suppose I’m just reminding myself that little and often wins the race. Beating yourself up will stop you running at all.

 

WriteOnSite 27.07.13

I entered WriteOnSite for the first time in a while last weekend, it’s just great to give you that little bit of extra pressure. I’ve been trying to write for an hour a day but sometimes I have a great idea but give up after ten minutes because I don’t know where it’s going or don’t believe that I can pull it out of the hat (I’m sure countless others do this) but, with write-invite, because of the time pressure and the thought that you don’t just want to waste £4 you push on.

This week I thought I’d done really badly because I just couldn’t work out how to close my stream of thought but the time pressures made me conclude in one way or another which is better than all of my open-ended attempts at writing from the last month … I just can’t finish anything!! (But I’m writing, so I’m getting there and pushing myself – and that’s what counts!)

Anyway, if you’re interested my story is here: http://www.write-invite.com/read-story.php

And my feedback was more positive than I expected:

This piece has a message. A male model’s wife chooses a unique way to convey her thoughts on equality. Clearly stated & well thought out.

 

Rethinking

I spend a lot of time thinking my writing needs to come full circle and change or mislead what was said at the beginning.

But I love random.

Can my writing be a line, a hill to climb, a development of random moments through time or another structure? Not a lesson I’m trying to teach, just a story I’m trying to tell rather than be so bloody arrogant. As though I have lessons to teach others – like a moral story – I’m still trying to learn my own lessons!

Stop spoon feeding and allow for interpretation. I wish I had faith in myself.

 

Fail

Went to submit my entry for the Bath Short Story Award and found out the closing date was yesterday. #fail I presumed it was the end of the month not end of the week 😦 Points for effort?!?

 

Blue

I remember when low days meant I’d hide myself away and write – even if it was just self indulgent emo poetry, at least it was writing!
Now I have just been sucked of all my energy. To make myself feel better I’ve told myself that reading is as valuable as writing … at least I’m not sat on YouTube (like I may, or may not, have been all afternoon) wasting my hours away.
So, if I was a doctor I would prescribe a book and somewhere comfy – I’m not sure I’d make the grade but it’s nice to have dreams.

 

Clew

I just read that the word ‘clue’ comes from ‘clew’ which meant ‘a ball of thread’ –  according to Greek mythology it was a ball of thread that led Thesues’ escape from the Minotaur’s Labyrinth. I feel like this is a clue to inspiration for some writing.

http://www.mythweb.com/encyc/entries/theseus.html

 

NaNoWriMo Survivor

So … I made it.

NaNoWriMo was a challenge but I got through to the other side. The target set at the beginning was to reach 50,000 by writing 1,600 words a day. I never thought I would achieve this and I originally set myself the much more realistic target of hitting 500 words per day, which would take me to 15,000 word total.

Day one was never going to happen for me because I had a class to attend after work, so I already felt like I’d failed at the first hurdle, but day two I got out 2,017 words in one evening, I had forgotten what guilt and pressure of a deadline did to me.

Over the course of the next week I manage to maintain an average of around 800 words per day, I had out done my 500 word target and was working at around 50 per cent from the target that’d I’d thought was completely unachievable; I upped my target to maintain my 800 words per day average. Some evenings I was only spending half an hour writing after I’d been thinking about my characters and plot during the day. One evening, however, I think in week two, I was nearly banging my head on the desk because I just felt like I had nothing to write, I wanted to not care that I hadn’t written the days word count but a few simple words of encouragement from my wife and later a vote of confidence from my mum and I found the momentum to keep going.

As a novel-writing exercise this wasn’t successful for me, I never intended to write a novel, I had no faith in my plot or what I wanted to say from writing so many words down, I knew what I was writing was drivel. But as a daily writing exercise this did me the world of good, it showed me that all you need as half an hour towards your craft a day and you can achieve so much more than you would have ever dreamed.

When I was writing I was letting it lead me, I wasn’t trying to force something out and the different turns and journeys I went on were surprising and fun to follow. The quality of my writing was poor but it was about letting the words overtake me and pour out of me so that I could revisit them at a later date. I stuck by what I thought would be the hardest NaNoWriMo rule:

            2) Do not edit as you go. Editing is for December and beyond. Think of November as an experiment in pure output. Even if it’s hard at first, leave ugly prose and poorly written passages on the page to be cleaned up later. Your inner editor will be very grumpy about this, but your inner editor is a nitpicky jerk who foolishly believes that it is possible to write a brilliant first draft if you write it slowly enough. It isn’t. Every book you’ve ever loved started out as a beautifully flawed first draft. In November, embrace imperfection and see where it takes you.

I know now that when I want to, and come to, have an idea for a novel I will be able to force myself to do this and keep working each day as well. It was a surprisingly tiring exercise but I thoroughly enjoyed it and hope next year that I will even reach the 50,000 target and become a proper NaNoWriMo graduate! I think NaNoWriMo pushes you as hard as you want to be pushed, I took it easy on myself this year but perhaps next year I’ll work harder and more seriously thinking about that end goal.

But for December, after 12 days of not writing and just catching up on a month’s worth of reading (I banned myself from reading during November because I am VERY easily distracted) I am ready to finish what I started in November and see how this story ends.

‘Inspiration exists, but it has to find us working.’ – Pablo Picasso

 

NaNoWriMo

Yes! I’ve signed up…I accept this ludicrous challenge…this year when my uncle asks me whether I’ve done it (hopefully) I will be able to say, YES!

NaNoWriMo welcome and my biggest weakness already looming:
‘Even if it’s hard at first, leave ugly prose and poorly written passages on the page to be cleaned up later. Your inner editor will be very grumpy about this, but your inner editor is a nitpicky jerk who foolishly believes that it is possible to write a brilliant first draft if you write it slowly enough.’

And here I accomplish the next point of advice:
‘Tell everyone you know that you’re writing a novel in November. This will pay big dividends in Week Two, when the only thing keeping you from quitting is the fear of looking pathetic in front of all the people who’ve had to hear about your novel for the past month. Seriously. Email them now about your awesome new book. The looming specter of personal humiliation is a very reliable muse.’

Wish me luck!

Bex…I feel sick at this prospect!

 

Shit Writer

When you write
when you’re stoned,
you think you’re ground
breaking, earth-shatteringly
good.

Profound,
deep,
knowing,
revelatory.
A walking genius
or just a thesaurus.

No one has ever thought like this before.
If you could only
catch
that moment, before
your mind,
drifts.

Thinking about writing,
thinking about thinking
about writing, thinking
about thinking about
thinking about writing.
But not writing.

Thankfully.

Because when
I write only shit comes out
at least in a haze I see
my potential.